Today, I started preparing for my trip to the Netherlands. And by “preparing” I mean creating my “netherlands” playlist. To set the mood, I’m drinking a cold Heineken.  

The combination of one beer on an empty stomach and a sense of uncertainty is not all that great.  Especially, when you are listening to “Hopeless Wanderer” by Mumford & Sons.  It’s quite funny because I never listen to this band.  However, when looking up songs about growing up, independence, and acceptance, their song came up.  It goes like this: 

“But hold me fast, hold me fast
‘Cause I’m a hopeless wanderer
And hold me fast, hold me fast
‘Cause I’m a hopeless wanderer
I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I’m under
And I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I’m under
The skies I’m under.” 

I hope that abroad I will finally “love the skies I’m under.” 

This is not to say that I do not love my life — I do.  But I cannot help but question every little detail of my life, along with every part of myself.  Questions, like, “Why am I like this?”, “Why do I always do this?”, “What is the meaning of all this?” spiral through my head.  This is not how I want to live the rest of my life because for the past six years, these questions have chased me every where I went.  I thought they would finally evaporate into air after I got into college, after I moved to Santa Barbara, after I met new people, but no matter where I went or what I did, these questions creeped into my mind.  I have come to the conclusion that I am an ambivalent and anxious human and that I need to make a concrete change in order to “love the skies I’m under.”  I have to learn to love the person I am.   

Traveling is the one thing that brings me peace.  One might think that traveling does the opposite to an ambivalent and anxious person — that it makes them more doubtful.  However, traveling always brings me relief because when I am in a foreign place, I accept things as they are.  I forgive myself for not knowing certain aspects of life elsewhere, whereas at home I usually beat myself up because I feel as if I must know everything.  I hope when I am abroad, I will learn to accept that I am a “hopeless wanderer” and that learning is a process. 

I hope to accept life as it is, and most importantly, I hope to accept myself as I am.  I am ready to face whatever may come my way.